Monday, 17 November 2014

i can't escape this now, unless you show me how.

They say it's what you make
I say it's up to fate
It's woven in my soul
I need to let you go

Your eyes, they shine so bright
I wanna save that light
I can't escape this now
Unless you show me how
 — Imagine Dragons, Demons

hi fella, back here. posting this sad-themed post. well probably i'm too drowning into sadness. yes, i am. i still in the sea of sadness. which is dark, cold, depressing, and desperate. i'm alone here. feels like no one can't help me to get out of here. i can't get out of here. it feels like something keeps me stay here even the situation is really bad. but i need to moving on to get a fresh air so i can breath, and keep alive

no, i still here. can't move out. drowning to deep.

it's been a month. yet, the pain still felt. i don't know why i still in this miserable pain. is it because i am too depending on him? probably. you know.. since he's gone, even though we'd still communicate, but i feel like i still depending on him. i'm a needy person. yes, it is. i just can't stay away from him. i don't know why i still want to be on his side. even though i know probably he doesn't want me to be on his side anymore. it kills me slowly. why can't i just stay away from him and let him go? as i said before, it's not easy to letting go. letting go a person who really means a lot for you. 

i had to choose; forget him or keep being like this and torture my own feelings and my mind.

i asked some advice from my friends, well.. yeah now i only share a story to few friends because i feel like everybody doesn't need to know a whole thing about my life so, yeah. and some of them said 'forget him, it's not worth it for you if you still remember him' this is really the worst advice and worst choice ever. but, i had to choose; stay in pain or happy without pain. it's hard. really hard. 

and, this is just confusing. at some point, my conversation with him after broke up is getting warmerand suddenly, it's getting colder. and when we met, he sometimes came to me, even though we only stared each other or he slapped my cheekin a good way, of course. but suddenly, in the next day, when we meet again, both of us just act like strangers who haven't met before.

on and on and on and on and on.

i don't know what it means. and slowly, my mind had a looooot of expectations. i expect too much, yet i also guessing.. what if he...— and my feelings towards him is growing up again, and when my feelings towards him slowly disappear... he come again and it growing up again. on and on and on and on. confusing. really.

and to be honest, this kind of situation really torture my own feelings and my mind. i felt like i want to scream and asked, 'what do you really want from me?' 'why'd you made me go insane?' 

they said i need to forget him, moving on, and enjoy my life. but what am i supposed to do when all my heart still have feelings for him? what am i supposed to do when all my mind is just thinking of him even though there are thousand million important things that i should worry about than worrying about him? it's torturing me. this is just so weird, what has he done until getting me like this?

anyway.. to be honest, this past one month i've learned a lot. i learned how i should communicate with him, how to do my thing without have to thinking about him every timeeven though i still in a progress for this. learned everything.... without him. without worrying about him. 

one day, i confessed to him that what we always do, whether when we were in a relationship or after broke up: arguing. that made me learn a lot how to handle a person like him even though there probably a lot of people out there who has a same personality like him but not as much exactly like him. he's only one in this world. but i feel like his argument made me turn my brain up-side-down so that i could say what i really meant carefully. and somehow, his words when we argued.. made me realized that what he said is true. and yes, i still remember the words that he said to me and it really affected to my life now. i never met a person like this.

good times.. good times.. i know the memories still stuck in my brain, which is why whenever i remember it again, my feelings started to be wild. heart beats so fast. and yet, the mixed up emotions which can transform become tears, whenever i remember those good times with him. but he also influenced my life now, i want to change my bad habit which he doesn't like when we still in a relationship. but not just for him, it's for me too. because i know sooner or later, people won't like my bad habit if i still doing it. actually there's a lot of things that i learned, and i remember.

i had to forget you, letting you go.

but please remember;
whenever you need someone to lean on, i will always there for you.
i will always there for you whenever you need me.
i will always there for you whenever you need someone to hear your thoughts.
i will always there for you when your heart gets cold.
yes, whenever it is.
whatever the situation is
i will always there for you.
just remember, you're not alone.
i will always there for you.

i need to escape from this miserable pain. i need to throw away my feelings for you and my expectations about you. i know it's hard. i wish by the time being, it slowly gone.

here are some songs that define my situation:

Look at the stars,
Look how they shine for you,
And everything you do,
Yeah, they were all yellow.

I came along,
I wrote a song for you,
And all the things you do,
And it was called "Yellow".

So then I took my turn,
Oh what a thing to have done,
And it was all yellow.
Yellow, Coldplay

Still I always
Look up to the sky
Pray before the dawn
'Cause they fly away
One minute they arrive,
Next you know they're gone
They fly on
Fly on

So fly on
Ride through
Maybe one day I'll fly next to you
Fly on, ride through
Maybe one day I can fly with you
O, Coldplay

I could've been a princess, you'd be a king
Could've had a castle, and worn a ring
But no, you let me go

And stole my star
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la [x3]
You stole my star
La, la la la la laaaaaa

Cause you really hurt me
No you really hurt me
Cause you really hurt me
No you really hurt me
Cause you really hurt me
Ooooooooh you really hurt me, ooooooooh
Cause you really hurt me
Ooooooooh you really hurt me...
 —Princess of China, Coldplay x Rihanna

Searching to find myself
But all I find is you
I can hardly stand myself
So what am I to you?
If you can find a reason
You could let me know
I won't blame you
I'll just turn and go
 —Every Night, Imagine Dragons

I, I keep on running
I’m building bridges that I know you never wanted
Look for my heart
You stole it away
Now on every single road that I could take
Listen, I want you to burn my bridges down
I said, I want you to burn my bridges down
Set me on Fire
You set me
Set me on Fire
You can burn my bridges down
Burning Bridges, OneRepublic

Broken this fragile thing now
And I can't, I can't pick up the pieces
And I've thrown my words all around
But I can't, I can't give you a reason

I feel so broken up (so broken up)
And I give up (I give up)
I just want to tell you so you know

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, there's just no one that gets me like you do
You are my only, my only one

Made my mistakes, let you down
And I can't, I can't hold on for too long
Ran my whole life in the ground
And I can't, I can't get up when you're gone

And something's breaking up (breaking up)
I feel like giving up (like giving up)
I won't walk out until you know

Only One, Yellowcard

This, I guess, is to tell you you're chosen out from the rest...
Always In My Head, Coldplay

And I wish you could have let me know
What's really going on below
I've lost you now, you let me go
But one last time

Tell me you love me
If you don't then lie
Lie to me

Remember once upon a time
When I was yours and you were blind
The fire would sparkle in your eyes
And mine

So tell me you love me
And if you don't then lie
Lie to me

True Love, Coldplay

lol those pic for you guys:

 photo creds goes to:

well... what a long post, eh? hahahah sorry made you guys had to read this long but ergh who cares anyway it's my journal. lol. enjoy the rest of your night!


Sunday, 9 November 2014

gue dan perumpamaan absurd.

hai. akhirnya di akhir pekan ini gue bisa nulis lagi. tentunya nulisin hal yang menurut gue gak penting sih buat gue post, tapi rasanya kalo gue ga nulis tentang pemikiran gue itu kaya.. lu gatel abis digigit nyamuk tapi lu gamau garuk. ih, meuni geleh. ya jadi tujuan ngepost hari ini adalah.. entahlah gue mau nuangin perumpamaan dan pemikiran seputar kehidupan gue yang makin menuju titik puspa terang. ga juga sih, itu mah majas nya aja di hiperbol-in. maklum, baru belajar majas di sekolah nih gue.

jadi, ceritanya. gue punya temen curhat gitu. cewe. umurnya 2 hari lebih tua dari gue. gue sama dia suka claim ourselves as November Babies. ya karena dua-duanya lahir di bulan yang sama, tapi beda 2 hari. yaudah. suatu ketika dia lagi curhat tentang kegalauan hati nya yang menurut gue agaknya complicated. maka, terpancinglah ke-sok-ide-an gue (so ide: so iye, sok-sokan, sok bijak) ya gitulah. jadi si temen gue ini galau. ceritanya gabisa lepasin seseorang gitu tapi at the same time ada yang lagi deketin dia. nah, dia bingung sama perasaannya. terus berhubung waktu itu gue baru aja belajar nyetir sama ayah gue, dan ayah gue sepanjang jalan ngingetin gue 'pokonya ya de, abis kopling di injek, lepas pelan-pelan terus pencet gasnya. kalo jalannya stabil ade lepas kopling terus pencet gas doang juga mobilnya maju.' dan pas temen gue lagi puncak-puncaknya curhatin keresahan hatinya, gue kepikiran sama apa yang diomongin ayah gue.

'Lo tau ga kopling sama gas? Jadi ya, mantan lo itu ibaratin kopling. dan orang yang deketin lo itu, ibaratin gas. lo tau kan kalau kopling harus di lepas pelan-pelan abis itu injek gas biar mobil jalan? nah, sama kaya gitu. jadi lu harus pelan-pelan lepasin mantan lo itu baru ke orang yang ngedeketin lu itu. nah kalo dua-duanya udah sinkron, pasti lo bakal maju kedepan.Kalo lo injek kopling terus bikin mobil berhenti. Jadi intinya lo kalo ngelepasin orang ya pelan-pelan, kaya lo lagi lepasin kopling, terus biar mobil lo maju, ya lo injek gas. Gas nya itu ya orang yang deketin lo.'

gue sih ya gampang aja ngomong gitu. tapi ngelakuinnya ga bisa. nyatanya, gue gabisa nyari pedal gas gue. pedal gas gue coplok. gue masih stuck di kopling. gas nya kaga ada. sebenernya mah sebuah pedal gas ga harusnya diibaratin terus sama manusia lagi sih.

tapi temen gue itu balik bilang gini,

'Gas lu sebenernya kehidupan lo, lit. Kalo kopling nya itu.. mantan lo dan segala kenangannya bareng dia itu adalah pelajaran buat kehidupan lo. Selagi lo lepasin, segala yang udah lo laluin itu bikin lo maju ke depan. Gue rasa sekarang lo lebih visioner sejak lo ga sama dia.'

bener juga sih. tapi gue gabisa lepasin si dia.

itu salah satu perumpamaan absurd gue. terus, ada lagi perumpamaan absurd gue yang kedua. baru banget gue bikin pagi-pagi. jadi awalnya gue chat gitu sama temen gue yang greget mau bilang selamat ulang taun ke kecengan abadi nya, terus berawal dari ngebahas itu, at some point dia bilang 'kaya ulekan sambel aja masih tahan lo.' besoknya (hari ini) gue chat lagi sama temen gue yang cewe itu. gue bilang 'aing teh... coet ulekan sambel' temen gue masih ga konek. terus, gue perjelas aja ya.

'Aku coet, dia teh yang ulekannya. Kan si ulekan numbuk-numbuk coet. Tapi lihat, mereka selalu berpasangan kan?'

coet: alat masak di dapur, untuk membuat sambal tradisional.

lihat, mereka selalu bersama kan?

ya mungkin segitu aja post gue hari ini. kurang absurd apa coba? sebenernya gue dapet inspirasi ngepost kaya gini karena temen gue tadi bilang, 'kesel sia perumpamaan maneh teh ih. bener tapi.'


Tuesday, 4 November 2014

Book Review: Analogi Cinta Berdua— ....and I get lost in Bandung

hai. update lagi nih gue. oke sekarang bahasanya rada gaul gitu biar gue bisa ikutan nimbrung gaul kaya blog temen-temen gue. kalo kemaren isi post gue rada galau kangenin orang yang sebenernya gue gak tau apa gue berhak untuk kangenin orang yang bukan siapa-siapa nya gue lagi itu halal hukumnya. gue ngomong apa? ditambah lagi tuh postingan galau pake bahasa dari hati inggris. nah sekarang hepi-hepian lagi aja lah ya, tapi palingan beberapa hari lagi gue post galau lagi. ya biasalah, gue rada labil gini, namanya juga pasca bencana lokal kehilangan.

jadi, nih gue hari ini dapet buku dari temen gue. buku nya gue dapetin dengan nyolong gratis. temen gue yang satu ini niatnya mau ngasih kado ke gebetannya pake novel gitu. suatu hari, gue nemenin dia beli buku di toko buku di jalan merdeka itu. terus gue temenin dia milih-milih bukunya. ya karena gue sebenernya suka baca buku dan ingin gitu bisa beli novel pas di toko buku, tapi apa daya gue cuma manusia anak sma biasa yang kudu nabung kalo lagi ngidam sesuatu, yang gue bisa cuma liat belakang nya doang, baca sinopsisnya doang sambil liat harganya dan gue langsung lemparin balikin lagi tuh buku ke raknya. yang penting gue tau sinopsisnya apaan. tapi biasanya genre novel yang gue suka sih semacam novel ringan komedi atau engga novel tentang cinta— dan biasanya gue nemuin aja gitu novel yang sinopsisnya hampir mirip kaya cerita cinta gue, atau cerita kemirisan gue selama menjalani cinta atau yang mewakili perasaan galau gue. apaansi, jadi curcol lu ah. 

balik ke topik. ya jadi temen gue ini kan niat nya ngasih novel buat si gebetannya itu. gue pilihin bukunya, gue bacain sinopsisnya, terus gue ngasih buku-buku ke dia yang menurut gue itu cocok buat ngewakilin perasaan dia ke gebetannya itu. gue nyuruh dia milih. dan temen gue itu milih buku yang dikarang sama salah satu kontributor di website, web tempat dimana gue ngabisin waktu luang gue dengan baca artikel-artikel yang menurut gue ga penting tapi kalo gue baca itu rasanya jadi penting. judul novelnya itu Analogi Cinta Berdua, dikarang sama om 'Oka' Dara Prayoga. temen gue langsung aja milih buku itu tanpa mikir panjang, padahal gue saranin buat beli buku yang judul sama sinopsis nya pas buat ngewakilin perasaan dia ke gebetannya itu. tapi, yaudah dia ini yang beli bukan gue. alasan kenapa temen gue pilih buku itu karena menurut dia kayanya isinya kocak.

dan gue pulang ke rumah. temen gue tadi nge LINE gue, isinya:

'lit, kayanya urang salah beli buku deh'

dan gue dalam hati berkata:
'yaelah, padahal gue udah nyuruh lu beli buku satu lagi, lu malah beli yang itu. da itu mah buku buat orang pacaran gitu. emang lu udah pacaran?'

dan gue mengutarakan isi hati gue itu ke temen gue.

temen gue ngebales,
'iya siah, kata temen urang juga ituteh buku buat orang pacaran'

nah, karena berhubung temen gue beli buku nya 2, karena sebelumnya gue saranin, mending beli bukunya 2, jadi kalo lu mau ngobrol, lu bisa pake topik tentang buku pemberian lu itu. terus akhirnya temen gue beli 2. eh taunya.... temen gue salah beli buku, maka seketika gue, yang lagi ngemis ngidam banget pengen baca novel.. gue sih kalo ada peluang kenapa ga dimanfaatin aja?

'bukunya boleh buat gue gak? gue butuh bacaan nih.'

temen gue bales,
'sok lit, ingetin aing bawa bukunya.'

nih penampakan bukunya:

yes, hari ini gue dapet bukunya. gue juga ngambilnya langsung aja dari tas temen gue itu. sumpah ya gue gatau malu banget hahahaha. ya abis, temen gue ngulur-ngulur gitu gue minta bukunya, sok-sokan gitu bilang 'entar aja'. kan nyebelin. loh yang punya buku siapa? nah gue dengan senang hati dapet buku gratisan itu, gue langsung baca dikelas gue. halaman pertamanya aja udah ada semacam quotes gitu:

Berdua untuk bahagia atau berakhir terluka.

iya, gue gedein. kenapa cobaaa? entah, lah. halaman awalnya aja udah so related to me gitu ya, jadi menurut gue kayanya nih buku kaya muter otak gue back to the times where me and si dia being together gitu sampe akhirnya, ya gitu deeeh. dan gue mulai baca buku itu. pelajaran demi pelajaran gue lewati dengan baca nih novel yang menurut gue cukup sakral. sumpah lebay. ya soalnya sesuai aja gitu sama sinopsis nya, 'Yang pasti, dalam Analogi Cinta Berdua gue bakal mengajak kalian ke fase-fase itu semua hingga mengerucut ke dua tujuan akhir: Berdua untuk bahagia atau berakhir terluka'. 

novel ini tuh isinya, tentang cerita si om penulis menjalani masa-masa dia pacaran. dan disini tuh bab demi bab nya juga ngedescribe gimana dia sama pacarnya pas lagi unyu-unyu nya sampe ya.... begitulah kaya apa yang gue alamin— berpisah. di novel ini tuh, berbagai fase di masa-masa pacaran itu bener-bener related sama apa yang udah gue alamin. dan, gue kaya dapet hikmah gitu kalo tiap beres satu bab yang gue baca. ya paling engga, gue tau gitu gimana perasaan cowo pada umunya kalo lagi masuk suatu fase di pacaran itu. ternyata, mereka juga sama gelisahnya kaya cewe yang ditinggal tidur sama si cowo. ya gitulah. dan ada judul bab dimana kayanya emang kenyataan kaya apa yang gue alamin. Kesibukanmu, Kekosonganku. oke, gue ngerasa gitu, sih. gue tuh anaknya ga pernah mau ambil ribet, jadi ya gue anaknya suka banget diem di rumah, ga ada kerjaan gitu. sedangkan si dia yang menurut gue lumayan sibuk ikut ngurusin acara di sekolah, ya pasti ga mungkin dia bakal mikirin pacaran gitu. tapi, gue nya malah kesannya kaya ngekang dia dengan ngarep dia selalu bakal ada buat gue— setiap saat. 

at some point, ada kaya suatu conversation antara si penulis sama pacarnya itu di novelnya yang kurang lebih hampir mirip sama apa yang pernah gue bilang ke si dia. tuh kan, bukunya sakral gue bilang juga. terus, gue baca buku itu sampe pulang sekolah. tapi belom tamat, hingga akhirnya 2 bab terakhir ini gue baca pas pelajaran art. dan judul bab itu: Just Do It, Move On. di awal bab tertulis, 'putus itu menyenangkan.'  iya, sih gue juga ngerasa, putus itu menyenangkan. kenapa? gue bisa lakuin apa yang gue mau. gue bisa ketawa ngakak puas depan temen-temen gue tanpa ada yang ilfil liat gue kaya gitu, gue mau ngupil ngepost apapun di tl twitter, line, path, dsb gaada yang nanyain itu buat siapa. ya asik sih, bisa ngisi waktu luang yang biasanya cuma dipake buat nanya atau nunggu kabar si dia, bisa gue isi dengan ngerjain tugas, belajar dikit-dikit atau ga posting blog kaya sekarang. lol. tapi... ada saat dimana..

'putus itu menyedihkan'

begitu bunyinya di awal bagian lain di bab itu. dan kalo gue boleh ngutip, ada satu paragraf dimana yang lagi gue alamin sekarang:
'Masa masa putus adalah masa-masa paling labil. Tadinya ngerasa seneng karena udah dapet kebebasan, tapi beberapa waktu kemudian bisa sekejap merindukan kehadiran. Kondisi setelah putus juga adalah waktu paling tepat buat menyendiri. Selain itu apa yang terjadi ketika menyendiri setelah putus?


dan sekejap, gue yang lagi baca itu pas pelajaran art, nyamperin temen curhat gue dan gue bilang 'nih buku bener-bener ya, baca deh lu' dan dia senyum-nyegir jahat gitu sama gue. dan, di akhir bab itu, ka Dara berceramah:

'Susah move on bukan selalu berarti susah memulai lagi sama orang baru. Karena sebelum memulai sama yang baru, orang yang baru putus itu harus menghadapi fase move on, yaitu menjalani hidup tanpa dia. Melewati hari-hari dengan melupakan kebiasaan-kebiasaan lama saat bersamanya. Dan sepertinya, untuk menghadapi tahap ini saja, gue belum benar-benar siap.'

IT'S TRUE, THOUGH. ya move on emang ga secepat itu. tapi ya gue sekarang lagi mulai untuk move on dari kebiasaan lama gue yang biasanya nunggu-ngarep-yagitulah ke si dia. gue harus mulai kurangin itu.
gue niatnya mau namatin novel itu di angkot. gue pulang naik angkot dari BIP, gue naik kalapa-dago. dan, si mang supirnya tuh mau ngisi bensin gitu di pom bensin tamlong. tapi si supir alasannya kalo lewat jalan tamlong macet. terus si supir malah lewat jalur yang agak asing buat gue. gue diajak muter-muter gitu di sekitaran alun-alun bandung. sampe ke jalan sasak gantung segala. gue agak mulai panik walaupun sebenernya gue tenang-tenang aja karena gue pasti ujungnya bakal turun di deket alun-alun. tapi si supir rasanya ko rada lambat gitu nyetirnya. yaudah gue berhenti di deket kepatihan, ya agak deket dari alun-alun lah. terus gue turun disana dan gue dengan gak iklas ngasih duit 4 ribu ke supir angkot laknat itu. dan ya gue update di Path gue: gila gue naik angkot nyasar sampe sini. — At Alun-alun Kota Bandung. menurut gue, itu emang nyasar, gitu. padahal sebenernya jalur ke buah batu udah bener lewat jalan tamlong tapi si supir malah ngajak gue muter-muter gitu, udah mah gue sendiri di angkot sambil bawa-bawa tuh buku. untungnya sih gue nyasar gitu kaga ada yang peduliin. ya kecuali orang tua gue, pasti. tapi berhubung orang tua gue lagi di jakarta, ga ada yang peduliin. ngenes kan. gak deng, orang tua gue akhirnya nelfon gue tadi maghrib dan gue ceritain kejadian itu sekalian sama tentang buku yang gue baca nada ngomel-ngomel gue yang khas di telinga mereka. dan ibu sama bapa gue khawatir banget dan nasihatin gue gitu deh.

post gue ga kurang panjang ya? tapi gue mau ngasih hikmah nih di balik gue baca buku ini. ternyata di balik salah nya beli buku temen gue ini, banyak hikmah yang tersirat buat gue, personally. buku ini bikin gue positive thinking tentang apa yang baru aja gue alamin, soalnya di conclusion buku ini tuh ngena banget. nih gue kutip ya:

'Bahwa dalam sebuah hubungan, isinya bukan cuma usaha untuk mempertemukan dua hati dan cinta.  Ada hobi, pekerjaan, rutinitas sehari-hari, materi, waktu, tenaga, pikiran, dan keluarga. Urusan yang akan dihadapi berdua nggak akan pernah habis. Maka dari itu, berdua adalah mau berjalan beriringan. Dan yang terpenting, berdua adalah saling, bukan paling agar seimbang, bukan timpang.

Meski benar kata orang, "Hidup bukan cuma soal cinta," tapi gue yakin orang yang ngomong seperti itu adalah orang yang nggak lagi jatuh cinta atau dia sedang denial karena baru saja putus cinta. Hidup bukan cuma soal cinta, tapi cinta adalah penggerak kehidupan.

Semoga kita bisa berdua..., dengan dia yang tepat adanya.'

gue tamat baca buku ini. buku yang bener-bener ngebuka pikiran gue, yang yaa pasca-perpisahan itu. gue gak nyesel udah nyolong ngambil nih buku dari temen gue hahahaha.

ya begitulah kawan, review buku gue dan cerita nyasarnya gue di bandung. panjang banget ya post gue kali ini? maklum lah sekalinya nulis udah kaya orang kesetanan. gabisa move on lepas dari keyboard. ya intinyaa, perpisahan bukan akhir segalanya dan apa yang udah gue alamin bareng si dia, itu menurut gue pelajaran bagi hidup gue, dan gue bisa lebih berpikir ke depan karena pengalaman gue itu bikin gue jadi maju. 

btw, makasih kak Dara Prayoga yang udah bikin buku ini, keren banget. asli.

dan quotes yang keren-keren ini:

Semua yang indah akan sia-sia kalau cuma "pernah"

Sendiri berarti kebebasan... sampai datang waktunya kesepian.


Friday, 31 October 2014

missing someone really kills me.

hi, fella. it's been long time, eh? yep, sorry not update again yeah school was very busy. and finally i could write here again, and.. there's a lot of things that i want to write here. because.. yes, writing is a pain healer

so, it's been 2 weeks i broke up with him. the one who made my day more colorful. the one who made everything better. the one who made me happy. the one who i loved so much. 

now, he's walked out of my life... probably.

it was a tough conversation. 
well.. you know. i'm the only one who wants to keep holding on. but no, he doesn't. he wanted to end it.

he said he wanted to be free. then i'm setting him free.

a lot of compromise that i made before we broke up.
will you be my best friend again?
don't worry, i'm not asking you to coming back.
let's just go back at the times where we were just a two close friends

and more..

well, you know, it's not easy to letting go someone that means a lot for you.
it's hard.

it's been 2 weeks. yes, but the pain is still felt deep in my heart. you might see that i look fine on the outside. but no, i broken inside. i still broken.... until now.

i miss the good days that we've been through. those pictures which looks like we were so happy being together.. at that time. a conversation which has a loooot of sweet words that you've said to me. our late night call and we talked with our sleepy-voice. our after school talk. your sweetest smile that you only showed to me. your accent when you're talking. your cuteness when i asked you to take a selfie. your passion for foods. your cleverness of math. your touch. your hands when you pinching my cheeks. your hands when you touch my chin. when you holding my hands. when you give a hug for me. even when you're yelling at me, i still think you're gorgeous. even you mad at me, i still love you. 

there's a lot of things that i missed from you.

a lot.

i don't know why i really love you. is it because you already promised me that you won't let go of me? is it because you told me don't ever find a new boyfriend? i don't know. something different in you than any other guys.

i don't know, maybe for now, i can't moving on.
i still into you.

i miss you more than anything.
the only thing that i could say now is just.. i miss you. and i do, still love you. so much.

after we broke up, you sent me a message, and we chatted for about a week. even though not so frequently. but it really brighten my day. yes, it does. i know, somehow we can't talk different topics in one day but at least when you send me a message, it means that my presence is still noticed by you.

and now, i don't know where exactly are you. we still meet at school but, ergh you treat me like a stranger. and... yes it feels so rough. and you rarely send me a message which makes me worry. i know, you're not mine again but... i just worried about you. where have you been? 

i know somehow i expect that we're gonna talking again but i think i'm too-expecting that good things will happen between us. but.. yes of course, expectation is waaaaay different from reality.

i expect you to send me a message tonight
but no, there are no any messages

on, and on, and on.

i only wish that a good thing will happen to you everyday, and i wish that you'll be happy everyday.

some people said that i better not expecting too much and don't wish that he'll be back for you. even though probably he'll come back to me, but the only thing they said is just: forget about him.

but the problem is..

i miss you.
i miss you so much.
it kills me slowly.
where are you?
where have you been?
i miss you.
i'm waiting for you to miss me.
this is sick.
i miss you.
i really really miss you.
will you listen to my heart?
my heart whispers,
i miss you so much. 

okay here are songs that defines my situation right now:

Unkiss me,
Untouch me
Untake this heart
And I'm missing
Just one thing
A brand new start

Can't erase this,
Can't delete this,
I don't need this,
I can't handle it
I just feel it that you're over us

If I wait here,
If I see you
It won't matter,
What's the point of this?
We're in pieces because you're over us
Unkiss Me, Maroon 5

Late night watching TV
Used to be you here beside me
Is there someone there to reach me?
Or someone there to find me?

When the pain just rips right through me
Another's arms
Another's arms
And that's just torture to me
Another's arms
Another's arms

Another's Arms - Coldplay

Tell me you love me, come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start
Running in circles, chasing our tails
Coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I'm going back to the start

The Scientist, Coldplay

All I know
All I know
Is that I'm lost whenever you go
All I know
Is that I love you so
So much that it hurts

—  Ink, Coldplay

He wasn’t my everything 'til we were nothing
And it’s taking me a lot to say
But now that he’s gone, my heart is missing something
So it’s time I push my pride away

’Cause you are, you are, you are my everything
You are, you are, you are my everything

I know you’re not far
But I still can’t handle all the distance
You’re travelling with my heart
I hope this is a temporary feeling

My Everything, Ariana Grande

You and I redefine being lovesick, lovesick, lovesick
Through it all, you could still make my heart skip, heart skip, oh yeah
Even when you're yelling at me
I still think you're beautiful
Through it all you could still make my heart skip, heart skip

I'm loving the pain
I never wanna live without it
So why do we try?
You drive me insane
Now we're screaming just to see who's louder
So why do we try?
You got me like (na na na na na na na na, na na na na na na na, na na na na na na na, na na na na na na)

Why Try, Ariana Grande

okay, that's all i think. the pain slowly gone, i guess.. hehe. see ya in the next post and btw sorry if lately my post will be sad-themed because yeaaaa now i feel like something has hit me. so, bye hahah


Sunday, 21 September 2014

Event Report: Abstrak VI, Astronomy Domain

HELLO PEOPLE! So yesterday was very insaaaaaaaaaane! Yes, it was Abstrak VI: Astronomy Domain, "The sky is no longer the limit". For those who asked "what is Abstrak?" Well this is the biggest event that held by Taruna Bakti Senior High School students, and it only held once in four years.

Abstrak VI flyer/poster.

Yes, it located on my school's sport field. Which is soooooooo big! And anyway, I bought the presale ticket so it didn't cost much money :p. The gate opened at 10.00 am, but because I need to got into the course first, so I late to went there. I went there at 2 p.m and arrived in there at 3 p.m I guess? Because of traffic jam and also I'm using public transportation too. But, when I saw the performer's schedule on Instagram, I guess I didn't late because starts from 3.10 p.m, the sensation of the guess stars' are coming! Here the schedule: 


So, when I arrived there it was Moustache and Beard who was performing. But before I felt the atmosphere of astronomy on my school's sport field... I need to trade my presale ticket first on the ticket box then the crew put this on my hand:

Then after that, I went to the upstairs but first the security crew body checked me and they took my Fitbar snack which was so sad because I need that in case I was really hungry, but then, ah, never mind. Take mine. Then, I went into a tunnel, which was a very good start... That was a cool tunnel anyway! I felt like I was on my way to the galaxy. lol. Then... After that, I met my friends there which most of them were the crews. But because when I reached there the rain was falling, I went to the cafe bazaar and I bought drink first. Oh anyway, this is the view of Abstrak's stage:

Then, it was 4 p.m and Dhira Bongs was on stage! The performer before her was Trou. But I was on another side of the field, so I didn't see them. She sang for about four songs, she was covering 2 songs and she also sang her own songs. Her voice was very very sweet and also charming. I like it when she sang "Bingung"

Sweet and charming Dhira Bongs on stage!

After Dhira Bongs, then it's time for.. Stere-Owl!! That's the very own Taruna Bakti's dance group. Which three of my closest friends are the member of it. I didn't take any pic/video when they performed because I was too busy to shouted "BABAAAAAA!", "ECHAAAAA!" or "ALEEEEEE!" Yep, my friend, Navissa who also known as Baba, she performed a dance with her five partners. She danced and accompanied by Justin Timberlake's song, also, my friend, Naufal who also known as Echa, he was dancing along with his partner, Mojo (Rafii). They danced and accompanied by Barbie Girl song and Party Rock Anthem song. They were sooo insane! Their dance moves were so cool but also funny at the same time. Then, my friend Alesya, who also known as Ale, she performed as a solo dancer, and her dancing moves were SOOOOO AMAZING AND POWERFUL! I really adore her, big time. It was like.. She was very different on stage. She was just like a professional dancer on the stage. Then, Stereowl members continued their performance, and it was my classmate, Alika, she was performing Ariana Grande's Problem dancing moves, which is very sweet and cute! Me and my friends who were on the front row, shouted on "I got one less problem without you!" part. That was so insane, until I almost lose my voice but thank God, I still have my voice.

Stereowl out from stage, then it's time for The Milo! But unfortunately, I wasn't on the venue, because I started to exploring the other side of the sport field. And this is what it looks like:

That was Kora-kora or, we could say... Giant swing. I didn't try it because I think I have to queued for a long time, because so many people who also wanted to try i. So, I decided to just saw it from distance, yea, like this. I only took the photo of it. Lol.

After The Milo, it's time for Kebelet Teater to performing. And ugh I hate to say it again but I wasn't on the venue because I went to the cafe bazaar to bought some foods and drinks. Then I went back to the venue. And yeah, I met my boyfriend too. I haven't seen him for 2 days, anyway. I finally met him yesterday :D Thank God I could spend my time there with my boyfriend. Actually my boyfriend also a crew, but maybe his task has done.. So he could accompany me at night. Well, yeah, actually when The Milo performing, my boyfriend accompanied me too, but just for a while and I didn't know where he was going. Then I met him again right before Very Hot is coming to the stage.

It's time for Very Hot to perform!! This is also Taruna Bakti's very own choir. They just like a Glee club on my school, but they were just very amazing. They sang for about four songs. I forgot what the title of the song that they sang, I only remember they sang Bohemian Rhapsody. That was a very cool and amazing performance! Later, in the end of their performance, about 6 members did a skill performance. They were vocalizing from mid-note until high-note, but it sounds like they shouting, but in a melodic way, I don't know how to say, but THAT WAS SO INSANE AND COOL!! I wish I could had a voice like them..

Then, it's time for Sore to perform. They sang "Pergi Tanpa Pesan" and other songs. Me and my boyfriend.. because we were too tired, we end up sat at the corner of the field, and we saw Sore performing from distance. We were too much standing before.. So yeah. After Sore, it's time for Seringai! Well, well, it really turns me up. Lol. But because my boyfriend said he wanted to sit on a chair, so we went to the cafe bazaar again and we sat there and watched Seringai's performance from projector which connected to the camera in front of the stage. After we sat for a while, we went again to the venue. And we watched Seringai until they finished their performance. It was very hype there. So many audience which also a fan of Seringai are very loud when Seringai performed. 

Last two performers, The House Bangers with Fashion Show Taruna Bakti and Dipha Barus! BUT I REALLY SAD TO SAY....... I WENT HOME IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HOUSE BANGERS' PERFORMANCE WHICH IS VERY VERY SAD. And I couldn't watch Dipha Barus too of course, but because my brother has give his spare time to pick me up, then what would I do? I really should go home. Ugh. But actually,  I still at the field when The House Bangers came up. I kinda danced through the music for a while, lol. It was so haceeeeep. But then, I went home. Bye.

By the way, lol, my event report was very unclear, isn't it? Yea, sorry, but I just wanted to tell you about what I've experienced yesterday. Because this is the first time I went to the biggest event of my school, but when I tried to enjoy it to the very end, I need to go home. But, I wish I could do an event report again with a complete report, of course. Because I am a starter so yeah, sorry, guys. And I quite enjoyed my time at there. I could spend my time with my friends and also my boyfriend, which is very priceless and precious. Anyway, enjoy the rest of your day.

Any comments please put in the comment box.

See ya in another post.


Saturday, 2 August 2014

Hello, fellas.

Hi!! It's been 2 weeks I'm not updating my blog -,- sorry... Because my laptop was in maintenance for a week so I couldn't post something here. Anyway, Happy Ied Mubarak 1435 Hijr! May Allah bless us always, and forgive me if I have a mistake seen or unseen. Hmm nothing happened while I'm not with my PC lol. My holiday is still remain the same. But....... on Tuesday, I had a trip to Central Java!!

So, Ied Mubarak is on 28 July. And because my brother is on holiday too, he wanted to had a trip to somewhere. So, he planned to had a trip to Central Java by himself, but my father said it's better to had a trip together along with family. Then, on 29 July at 5 a.m, we started the trip. Our first destination is Purwodadi. Placed in northern Central Java. It was a looong trip, because we had a traffic jam in Comal Bridge which was damaged. We stuck in there for about 2 hours because of the heavy traffic jam. Then, we finally reached the destination on 9.30 p.m.

Day 2, in Purwodadi. I had a breakfast then I took a bath, dressed up and we headed to Kradenan. I've been there last year, in December, you can see the pic on my Google+, I didn't took a pic in Kradenan because I've took it last year lol :p and I'm too lazy to type actually. Sorry. In Kradenan, my father visited his old friends. Then, we headed to Surakarta or as known as Solo. I don't know if I ever been there.. But, well I'm so excited because it's my boyfriend's hometown :p which is why when my parents allowed us to went to Solo, I was really excited. We went to Solo via Sragen, it's a city before Solo, where my boyfriend stayed there. We reached to the hotel, placed near center of the city. After we checked in and took a rest, we planned to walk around the town to find a dinner. We walked from hotel to Galabo, it's like a food market. There's so many traditional food truck that you can found. We walked like for an hour? Maybe. Because I felt so tired after I reached Galabo. And I was starving. We found a food truck that served Bakmi Jawa, well this is my family's favorite food. I don't know what's the name of that food truck but it placed in the corner of Galabo, so you need to walk until there and you will find food truck which served bakmi Jawa. I ordered Bakmi Godhok, it's like boiled noodle but in Javanese style, it's different from any other noodles, you know. It has their special taste. I can taste the traditional ingredients on their gravy. After we ate, we walked back to the hotel. I took a bath, dressed up for sleep then... I sleep.

Day 3, in Solo. We went to Orion Mandarijn, one of the famous bakery shop in Solo which sell the famous lapis malang. It's like a sponge cake, but I don't know, there's a special thing in that cake. Maybe because it's one and only available in Solo, or maybe the taste of that cake which can made us wanted to go back to Solo. After we shopped a lot of souvenir--which almost all of them are foods, we went back to Bandung. And, of course, we had a traffic jam again at Comal Bridge. Finally I reached home exactly on 12.01 a.m, Friday 1 August.

Well, it's not really a wonderful trip because we avoid huge traffic jam because it was a Ied holiday and of course, a lot of people who wanted to back to their hometown. I wish I could had a trip again to Central Java because it's always my favorite destination to have a trip with my family.

Oh and anyway 2 days again school is starting. AND I HAVE A LOT OF ASSIGNMENTS. AND I HAVEN'T DONE IT YET. LOL. I wish I could survive again on my new class.. errrr.

Bye, enjoy your last days of your holiday.

Wednesday, 16 July 2014


Hi people, how's your school days? Is it awesome or nah? Well, mine.. quite good. I kinda can adapt with my new class even though sometimes I complain it again. My classmates are totally different with me...... So, here's a thing. You could say I'm the loudest person when you meet me. Because I can't stop talking and making noises. Also my friends say, I'm the funniest person because of my Sundanese-accent which is stick with me every time I told stories to them. Which is why, they can't stop laughing when I irritated or complaining something with Sundanese. Well, I can say... Maybe that's my specialty in everyone's eyes.

Anyway, I kinda ashamed with my classmates because, hmm yesterday, my math teacher wasn't come because he had to go to Riau. Then, he gave us task to do then should collect it after Ied Fitr holiday. He gave us for about 40 questions of math to do. Because of that, I thought 'Meh this is for holiday, right? Gotta do it on holiday.' Then I chatted with my three best friends. But then, when I looked around my class, they did the task. And I'm like... Okay, so.. I made noises with my friends while my classmates did the homework for holiday. So ashamed, you know. It's totally different from what I experienced when I was in 10th grade. You know, when I was in 10th grade, when teacher gave us task, my classmates DIDN'T do it. We played all along the free time. Oh, my.. I felt like I really don't deserve in this class because I'm a very LAZY person you know. I only did a task when I wanted to. Just, ah really... See, I'm the laziest person, right?

My school problems are so weird, right? I'm lazy but people around me are sooooooooo diligent.

And anyway yesterday I was happy too because I could talk with my boyfie after school which is boosting my mood.


Oh, and anyway.. Gah, today is the first day I studied Biology with that new curriculum which labelled as 'student-centered curriculum' so, at first, my teacher made a game which we're gonna mixed up with my another classmates to make a group, well maybe her purpose is making student more socialize with each other. So, I'm in a group that contains with two person that have a very brilliant brain. And finally I could socialize with new friends too. My teacher gave us some kind of worksheet about cell. There's a lot of blanks that we must fill it. We can search the answer on the book. But..... There's so many things which not included in text book. And..... I think.. From now.. I must study with my lovely PC to find everything which not included in my text book. Well, I know this is very disturbing and yeah... complicated. Because once I touched my PC, I can't stop to use it. I may spend my study time-with-pc by opened social networks, opened my fav website or... Writing on my blog. Really different from last year's curriculum because everything I need was included on the text book.

Huh, so many things that I complained, right? That's school. I wish I could still survive tomorrow. And not feel sleepy again because today I was very sleepy you know!

Gotta go, a lot of things to do.